Have you turned into a succulent?
Note: This started out as a poem about resilience and turned into a satire. I’ll write that poem next.
1. You can tolerate dry, indoor conditions.
Maybe now you’ve become accustomed to indoors, having spent the many past weeks mostly inside. Bonus points if you are in California or any other dry climate. Unlike other plants, you can tolerate these new conditions and circumstances.
2. You are more low maintenance now.
Before, you might have needed a lot of attention. But now you’re not like most houseplants. You can tolerate limited watering. You are easy to care for, now that you have more time to focus on what’s important. More than that, if you get too much interaction or watering, you can wither and feel drained quickly. You don’t know jeans, concerts, or networking events anymore.
3. You are saving more money than before.
You tend to go through “rest periods,” which means you don’t need as much expensive food (read: fertilizer) as other plants. Hope you’re cooking more and not drinking unnecessary coffee; water’s all you need. Also, you are really saving on those data and restaurant bills. No fancy food or clothes. Save that bread!
4. You’re really into home decorating.
Somehow you’re really handy in redecorating and remodeling. You really pop off and add to the aesthetic, especially against marble and window sills or on nightstands and desks. You can fit in anywhere in your home! You really freshen up that bookcase or that dim corner of the house. You’ve watched enough Home Makeover to know what you are doing.
5. You still really need sunlight.
Let’s be honest, you can’t always be alone. You get along well with the others, but you still want to get some sunlight now and then. You want to go outdoors and either sit on the patio or hike. At the very least, you are staring out of that window longingly as the world moves outside. Wait, no existential crises please right now.
6. You are way more adaptable than you thought.
Go you! You can be in a garden or wreath. You can be inside or outside. The world is your oyster. You’re more resilient than you thought. You’ve even had to deal with all those other fake succulents. You got this!
So if you got 5 out of 6 or 6 out of 6, I think it’s safe to say quarantine and this pandemic has made you into a succulent. Now, make sure to go work on those abs so that you can be the most aesthetic one.